Looking back years ago when I was still figuring out my identity, I had never had luck in men. I remembered guys I had a feeling for in my teenage always turned me away.I thought to myself I would never find any boyfriend and shouldn’t think too hard about having one because I am a transgender woman. No men would be attracted to me because I am not a “real” woman.
Until I reach my puberty, my first boyfriend was the man I had been with for almost 6 years from my college years until I got the first job as a project manager with the leading national LGBT organization in Thailand. Though I often questioned my appearance during my early transition, just like other young girls in their teenage years, my boyfriend would give me the compliments on how beautiful I was. And the support I had from him helped me affirmed my womanhood; the inner woman in me that awaited to blossom when the right time came.
One day when we had an argument, I said, “I am just a kathoey (a Thai term for transgender) so you don’t have to care how I feel.” He insisted, “No…to me, you are a woman and the one I love. ” What he was saying wiped out my anger at that moment. It is very important for me that someone I love would see me as a woman and treat me like one.
Unfortunately, my almost 6 years of relationship with this man went so fast and left pain at the end. He broke up with me for a cisgender woman, who later on gave him two lovely sons and made him a perfect family man. My first breakup experience brought me the idea that no matter how hard I tried; I wouldn’t be able to complete with cisgender women. “I am not a real woman,” the voice in my head was calling and it has continued to be my own struggle and fear for years. However, I knew I had two options to get over this bad breakup: continuing to take this painful breakup with me or giving it up and moving on. I chose to walk out from my bad breakup with the slightly hope that someone out there was waiting for me.
Being a transgender woman, “our romance relationship is like buying a lottery ticket; whether you win or you lose,” another trans woman once said to me. When you had a long meaningful relationship, for a transgender woman like myself, you hit a big prize although I didn't win a jackpot. I realize that I was lucky to have someone whose shoulder I could cry on when I felt sad and someone to share joyful laughter when I felt happy. After the breakup with my first ex, I hoped the next chapter of my life would be even better and I was ready to take another risk.
I started an online dating adventure, just like other peers did, so that I could spend sometime to talk with strangers. I also found an online dating was a big market whether to hook up with guys or to talk serious and get to know ones. Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait too long until I knew an American man who was about to come to Thailand for his volunteer trip. We had fallen for each other after we talked for months. I finally met him in person. He was my first white boyfriend and I was his first transgender girlfriend. After months of our honeymoon phase, the relationship came to the end. It left me no where else to go but my bedroom in which I locked myself up and cried for days.
One thing I learned from this breakup, my gender identity was and will always be a big deal in any relationship I have. For men who have never dated transgender women, or any men, they seem to feel they will sacrifice their cisgender male privileges if date trans women. Not only their family and friends would question their sexual orientation and masculinity, but they would also be terrified of what the society in general might think about them being attracted to trans women. The heteronormative world we live in would give a label to a partner of trans women that functions to shame and confuse them, if they let it.
Looking back at my first relationship, my ex always regretted that I was a transgender woman. Whether he didn’t want to admit he dated a trans woman or he honestly saw me as a woman; it would only matter to me that I should be proud to be a trans woman; an identity that would be my first and foremost. Later on, I told myself to only date a man who knows I am a trans woman and willing to spend sometime to get to know my authentic self.
With whatever reason or it meant to be, the American man I dated years ago came back to my life. We didn’t have to spend years to get to know each other like other new couples; I had kept our friendship after the first breakup for many years until I met him again. I began to wonder if this second date would make any difference from the first one. Before I knew, I said, “yes, I will move to America and be with you.”
He introduced me to his parents and his siblings without feeling ashamed to tell them that I am his girlfriend. I didn’t know if they had met a trans person before, all I knew was we all have learned to adjust ourselves and became comfortable with one another. All of us spent time to get to know each other before I felt I was a part of their family. I can’t help but wonder if he would be the man who would be my forever, or would I win a jackpot this time?
A couple years had passed since the day I first set foot in America. The relationship with him started to fall apart. He broke my heart again without a warning sign. It was the first time in my life when I didn’t know what to do and who to turn to. I felt vulnerable because I was only a stranger in this country. After the breakup, it was a time for me to come back to Thailand, the only home I had, to visit my parents. I came back to my childhood comfort where my close friends and my mother pampered my broken inner soul and gave me the love I needed. Almost a couple months had passed so quickly, my mom encouraged me to come back to America and she said, “get yourself back from the painful breakup.” She also reminded me one thing I seemed to forget, “love yourself more and put it a first priority.” With my parents’ support, I knew it was time to start searching for confidence and becoming optimistic.
It took a while until I recovered from the rough breakup. Back to America, I am lucky enough to have my ex’s parents who later have become my good friends. Plus, my ex has turned to be a good friend of mine. After a year of silence, the guy I have known for almost 10 years now is my friend again. In the end of the day, I understand completely the saying, “when one door closes, another opens.”
I will give myself another chance, but I can’t help to be protective when I am getting older.
Being single in the market again, until I know, I can’t count how many people I dated nor I could count people I slept with in the past couple years. For me, I divide men I date in 3 groups. First, trans-attracted men who look for “fun and discrete experience” are the majority in the market. I have learned from my experience that the relationship with these men never led to anything meaningful. They would treat us, trans women, as their fetish objects or “a little secret” and that is ridiculous because I know lots of wonderful girls out there who seek for the love of their life. Second, “a friend with benefit” is someone I hang out constantly for dinners or movies or I can call them when I feel lonely. Yet, we stay friends and not willing to move forward. These men have things that hold them back from dating with trans women, something I couldn’t understand and I learned now that I don’t have to wait. Last, “a lover” who is rare, but I am lucky to date a few. I have met someone I have considered a genuine honest gentleman who really wants to put his effort into making a relationship work. However, I had never found a match.
Though a romantic relationship is often made between two people, it inevitably involves the society and people around those two. The most important requirement I have for my date is someone who must be strong enough to stand for himself and admit that he will love me for me. I know the relationship works two ways. In return, I am working on becoming a confident woman and be authentic for the relationship I am waiting for. However, dating has been difficult for me because I rarely find chemistry with the men I have dated, no matter how wonderful they are. I started to question myself whether it is a pain in the past that put me in fear or is it because I haven’t found the right person?
Fortunately, I have found myself in love again with a man whom I met online. We had talked a few times before we had a date to check our chemistry. The first date went unexpectedly wonderful and left me impatiently waiting for the next one. Date after date, he has shown me that he is comfortable being with me and be able to be himself around me. Because I have stopped believing in fairy tales long time ago, I know even my soul mate can be imperfect. Still, I want to love his goods and accept his worsts. I wish he would do the same to me as we learn about each other. Moreover, I hope nothing more than that we can make this relationship work!
For one thing, I have learned from my relationship in the past. It is hard for me to wholeheartedly trust and love someone, yet loving myself is sometimes even harder. My experience has given me a very important lesson that I must love myself before I can love the others. I know only if I can take care of me, then I can take care of my other half. What I ask for from this relationship is that he realizes I am a loveworthy person; I believe he does, and I am in love with him. I don’t really care if I don’t win a jackpot. All I know is that he is a perfect man for me and make me feel lucky to finally find him.
No matter what will happen this time, I have no fear anymore but will enjoy the time of being together and grow our relationship. I can’t wait for what the future will bring us and I know it is time to tell myself a different story!
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